ASS TO MOUTH. ASS TO MOUTH. ASS TO MOUTH.

"You thought it would be sexy, but you just can't seem to get that taste of shit out of your mouth."

Pretty much.

I'm a sucker for awful things. They make me laugh to no end. I know this. You know this.
I heard about this movie from Mikey Porter. He told me he wanted to review it, but never ended up getting around to it. Regardless, he figured it would be GodBox material.

So, I bite.

"What the fuck's a The Human Centipede?" I says, I says.

And he says, he says, "it's a movie about some guy who gets off to the idea of making a giant centipede out of people by sewing them ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. Ass to mouth." Or something like that.

I wuz wall like.

"Wut."

And he wuz all like.

"Jah."

So, I immediately downloaded it. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess it was something along the lines of retarded violence, and something to laugh at while I intoxicate myself. And I, uh, guess I was kind of right? Kind of?

I'm not sure what you can expect from a movie like this. The movie first gives you a glimpse of the crazy doctor with the fetish. He captures a truck driver while he's taking a shit after touching himself to his picture of The Dog Centipede, which will probably end up being a prequel.

The film then cuts to these annoying girls. And I'm not generally annoyed by people in movies. The people who would annoy me the most in real life are generally my favorite characters. The bad acting, shrill voices and retarded nature of these girls will have you saying "I can't wait until your mouth is sewn to somebody's anus," before you make it ten minutes in. I assure you.

The thing about this film, is it doesn't really have anywhere to go. Once they're captured, it's decided that the trucker isn't a match. So, he is killed. He goes out and finds an azn, who doesn't speak his language. He just screams constantly in Japanese. Which is funny to me.

The procedure is explained. While the doctor puts the first two to sleep, the dumb bitch at the end attempts to escape for the first time in the two days she's been there. And guess what. It works. She runs away, then decides she needs to go back. Okay, smart. Instead of getting the cops over there as quickly as possible, she plans to go back in wearing nothing but a night gown, injured, to save her friend. Fuck the azn, by the way, he's on his own.

It isn't going to take a rocket scientist to tell you that this fails. Hard. And for insubordination, the bitch who tried to escape gets the middle, which, apparently is the worst position.

The humans are grafted together, and the doctor couldn't get any hornier when the frontman azn has to shit. Basically, he spends the rest of the film training the centipede like a dog, and trying to keep the cops away.

Does it work? Do you want to know? Do you even give a shit?

The ass end gets sick. Cops start hounding the doctor. The centipede is trying to escape. Confrontation. The azn frontman kills himself. The ass end dies of infection. The doctor and the cops kill each other.

And the dumb slut who could have escaped and saved everyone a lot of time and effort is left to silently consider this, sewn ass to mouth with two corpses.

I can't really imagine this piece of shit working out any other way.

Why did I watch this? Why did I write this? Because I'm a sick fuck? No. Blame Mikey Porter. Blame Mikey Porter and boo him.

Boooo, Mikey Porter. Boo.