Super Special Double Review Time PART 1: Kung Fu Panda 2 and Cube Zero

So.

With a title like that, you must be expecting some sort of tie in that would excuse these totally unrelated films being reviewed at the same time.

HINT: There isn't. Other than both are movies.

We'll start with Cube Zero.

Cube Zero is apparently the prequel to Cube. So, we're on a good pace so far. What makes CZ different is that it sucks.

OK. It's not that bad. But it kind of ruins everything that Cube set up.

Let's recap without spoiling too much. Cube was a movie about a giant Cube made up of thousands of smaller cubes. These cubes were basically rooms; these rooms were either safe or booby-trapped. There was a way out of the Cube, and the characters from the original used intelligence and crazy math skills to attempt to get out. Once someone did get out, we never knew what happened to him/her. He/she disappeared into a white light and then the movie ended. What happened to him/her?

Cube Zero is here to save the day by completely ruining that ending.

So, you got these two guys, right? One is a fatty who likes playing with himself (as in playing a weird version of Chess alone; What would that be called? SoloChess? Single Chess? Chessturbation?) and the other is a nerdy guy who draws caricatures of himself and his coworker, the fatty. They are in charge of - here it comes - the Cube by monitoring those inside the Cube and taking orders from the administrators of the Cube.

For those who saw the first movie, we never knew what controlled the Cube. We knew a guy in there helped to build it. We never knew why. I personally think that this was the better choice, not knowing. It makes it more into imagination.

Instead, we're told that the Cube is for criminals and apparently dissidents against the government. If someone manages to survive, which one lucky man does, they are immediately detained and asked two questions. "What is your name?" and "Do you believe in God?". If they decline to respond or if they say "no" to believing in God, they are killed. If they say "yes", they are released and made to work for the Cube as well. That's right folks. That original Cube ending? Completely obliterated. The concept here was that getting out meant that there was a semblance of hope, not immediate death.

So the rest of it plays out like you would expect of a SyFy original horror movie: hokey acting, bad dialogue, nonsense plot twists, unneeded exposition, etc. In fact, it seems like they wanted to take away from the first movie only the idea of the Cube instead of explaining its origins. All we know is that the government shoves in people they consider bad and that's it. No exposition on that, but we get plenty on the plan to get out of it. We know you want to get out of a death Cube guys; how about telling us more about it?

The ending is balls. It ties in with Cube, I guess, except that considering none of the original actors are in this, the continuity is literally destroyed. The twist ending is supposed to be a connecting link between Zero and 1 but it fails because there are too many differences such as appearances, setting, genders, racial changes, and complete name changes. I don't know what they were going for here.

In short. It's a bad movie. It kind of ruins the unknown of the original Cube by explaining it too much in certain areas and almost none in others.

Watch it if you don't care and want a cheap thriller.

4/10.

American Psycho

Let's start with the book, because I hadn't seen the movie in, what, seven years? And I just read the book.
Here's the thing. The book is a chore to get through. It really is. It's told from the perspective of Patrick Batemen, and he and I have nothing in common. Zero. Zilch. But there are some things he talks about that are more interesting than others.
What he's most interested in has nothing to do with my way of life, interests, general thoughts or knowledge base. He knows what you should wear, how you should look, what your hair would be like, and what color/typeface you should present with your card. And, if I may, be fucking honest for a minute, this shit is a bitch to read through. I don't care what everyone in the room is wearing, Pat. I don't even have the closest idea to how that measures up to your clothes - which you describe in excruciating detail in EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SCENE. This book is skimcentral. You gloss over every detail of clothing that everyone is wearing and you delve into his mind - the interesting part.

Someone said it was more clear that everything happens in the guy's head in the book. I don't think so. I mean, maybe in the sense that he gets away with a lot more. You get about halfway through the book and then things get real fucked up before going right back to talking about suits and cufflinks and sweatervests and cocaine. All of which I'm not associated with. (At least anymore, on the last front.)

The thing about this book, is that when it's good, it's really good. And not even in the sense of the violence, but in sense of the character. The clothing is important to him, sure, but there's a clear line drawn very early on, it makes sense. On the flipside, when you really get to know Pat Batemen, when he really has to react to a bizarre world, or when the world has to react to him, it's very interesting. It has some of the more interesting and entertaining and draining scenes I've ever seen in novels - but again, you find yourself skimming a lot. I'm not rich, nor do I live in the 80's, I don't care, I care about your psychosis.

And now we move onto the movie. The movie is the movie. It's a very bizarre blend of the beginning, middle and end of the book at all times, but the way it's presented, you kind of get the sense that this is the best representation of the book a movie could do. You get lines from the beginning of the movie at the end, lines from the end of the movie at the beginning, and lines from the middle sprinkled throughout. It's almost disorienting, but it's almost, keyword almost as effective. And none of it really has anything to do with the violence. It has to do with a rich, privileged man losing his grip with reality. And it's mostly painful and sad. The parts that hit you hard, hit you hard. The parts that don't either bore you or make you ask the age old question; "what the fuck?"

In short; read the book? If you can? I dunno. I have to return some videotapes.

The Great Gatsby (2013)

"[12:30:09 AM] BLAKE THE SNAKE WITH A RAKE CON EL POLLO POR FAVOR: So the first thing I do is get on my soapbox and start flinging?

[12:30:19 AM] Bergin: I guess?

[12:30:27 AM] Bergin: Run to the hills, dawg.

[12:30:29 AM] Bergin: Go wild."

Strap in, because it's 12 A.M., I can't sleep, and we've got nowhere else to be.

Lemme put it to ya this way, jack, because I ain't gonna repeat a word, see?

This movie blows big wang.

HUGE wang.

Let's take a step back now before it makes a huge mess on my carpet, and forces me to hire a carpet cleaner. Why do I hate this movie? I can tell ya, it will come to you in a bit. Just hold on to your pants, gangsta, and get a belt while you're at it.

Just read my damn review, then we all can get back to our hookers and blow, mmmkay?

(A/N: In order to really showcase some flaws here, I'm comparing this movie to the one I like better, The Great Gatsby...from 1974. You might want to watch that, it's real good.)

(Another A/N: I haven't read the book, because reading is for Mikey Porter.)

We start with a promising intro; our main character at a Psychologist's office. At first, you think "Wow, this might be good. Psychological stuff always points to a good movie (amirite, Inception?)".

That is, until you see that one guy who played in the Spiderman trilogy is the main character. That's right, we get to see Tobey Maguire for 2 hours. The worst part is, he is cast pretty sub-par; he's got the look, but he comes off too awkward for his character. He seems to be trying really hard to convince people that the feelings he shares mean something. Tobey is no Sam Waterston.

Also, I hate Baz Luhrmann (or however you spell it). I hate how he directs a movie to be as flashy as visually possible without paying attention to the characters. I hate how he injects a movie plot with speed to rush along a plot. I hate how everything that should matter in these types of movies fly by in a blink of an eye and you're left wondering where your money went.

I hate everything about this film except for two things: Leonardo DiCaprio and the general atmosphere. One thing I will give Baz credit for is that he can direct a beautiful world; the 1920's feel like the 1920's...most of the time. You can tell when and where the flair of the visuals die off. Also, Leonardo actually plays the perfect Gatsby; I loved his role, and he was the only person I cared to have any interest in.

In total, this movie review was actually delayed over time and that's why it sucks as much as the film.

Most people don't care. They view this film as gold. It isn't. I hate most of it except the emotional ending, when characters slow down and start to show actual emotion instead of having a semi-ADHD problem with the camera and story.

So, in conclusion, I suck for not writing this well. I'll be damned if I proofread it.

Take it down.

10/10 "BEST NEW CALL OF DUTY"

V/H/S

I kept waiting for things to be tied together, or make some kind of sense, but it didn't. It's just a small collection of horror shorts. Not bad. Not particularly special, but not bad. Has its moment.

6/10. Probably wouldn't watch again.

Django Unchained

Ahhh, Quentin Tarantino. What can I say about that loopy man?
I don't like him. Him as a person. I think he's obnoxious as fuck and he reminds me of a 13 year old kid who just recently got access to rated R movies. Like, the kinda guy who misses the point of A Clockwork Orange and just likes it because people get raped and die.

But how do I feel about his movies? Well, they're interesting. I liked his golden age a lot, that is to say Reservoir Dogs through Jackie Brown, Jackie Brown being my favorite. Kill Bill was worth watching once, but wasn't really all that interesting or worth repeated viewings. I get it, she kills Bill, woooooo. The journey there is nothing special.

Then we have Death Proof, which has two good scenes in it, one of them being quite possibly the most fantastic goddamn car chase I've ever seen in a film that I refer to as excellent masturbation to a disappointing as fuck climax, ruined by a matter of personal taste with cartoonish violence. I'd rather see someone get kicked on the ground than punched about like one of those wacky clown punching bags that never stays down.

So, I didn't like that movie. How did I feel about Inglourious Basterds?
I hated it. The first ten minutes were fucking brilliant, had me on the edge of my seat in the theater, and despite my ex girlfriend whispering "I'm bored, let's leave," into my ear, I was really involved in that first scene. Easily the most suspenseful scene he's ever done. And while she managed to eventually talk me into leaving the theater, after seeing that first scene, I really didn't want to. I wanted to know what happened.
Too bad the rest of the movie fucking SUCKED. We watched it on DVD shortly after its release, and oddly enough, I found we had switched seats, with her saying "you know what? This movie is pretty good," and me wishing to god it would fucking end already.

Which brings me to Django Unchained. I saw the trailer, and the trailer actually looked fun and interesting, but I wasn't about to let my guard down. Tarantino has been too much of a disappointment since Jackie Brown for me to do that.
How do I feel about Django Unchained?

I loved it. I want to see it again. It might be my favorite Tarantino film ever.
The movie is a lot of fun, and while some stylistic choices are hard to grasp into at first, namely quick zooms and music choices, I found myself warming up to to them and finding yourself right at home. I'm not a big fan of action films, but the action here is a lot of fun and the violence is fucking beautiful. Thank you Tarantino, for using squibs and not pooping all over your movie with ugly CGI blood splatter.

The acting is good - really good. Christoph Waltz is fantastic and I love every minute his character is on screen. Leonardo DiCaprio does something really different, and plays the villain for once. And he's not just a villain, he's really despicable, self indulgent, racist and ignorant. A grotesque example of what it is to be a human being, and he portrays it quite wonderfully.
Even Jamie Foxx, who doesn't say a whole lot, really shines with his ability to react subtly to the events that unfold.  Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson, but it's really amusing to see him play the most unlikeable black man in history, bonus points for that character.

The story is pretty simple, and while the movie is long, it doesn't feel like you're in the theater for almost three hours. I didn't even mind that I had to piss for the last third of the film, because I was so involved.

Complaints? Well, I do have some. Brumhilda, the love interest is completely lacking in character and development. They should have changed her name to Miss McGuffin. Quentin Tarantino is a bad actor and needs to stop showing up in his movies. Things were predictable to some degree because it's Tarantino, and we know Tarantino, but that's forgiven due to good delivery.

Closing thoughts? I told the lady that I liked it a lot, and it was worth the 5.50 to see it during the matinee before it leaves the theater. Her response? "I figured that movie was going to suck. Inglourious Basterds was a pile of shit, except for the first ten minutes."

Ah, yes.

Twin Peaks Season 1

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Dogtooth

My little baby's growin' up! :3

<3

8.9/10

August Underground

Like the fat loser trying to gross out all the girls by putting bugs in his mouth on the playground. It's not really effective to me. Just sad.
This is the whole film. Boring, stupid and juvenile.

Not really worth the wasted time.

Suddenly all these people begin to swarm the hills. A hundred faces, he sees. But none of them see him. I feel as though I've experienced this before.

Irreversible

Okay, so after I stand alone kicked me right in the balls and both simultaneously and paradoxically made me squeal with delight and madness, I decided to check out the rest of this Noe feller's work.

First and foremost, when I want to know if a film's worth checking out, I generally turn to Sean, the only person in existence that I suspect watches more film than I do.
So, I says, I says, SEAN! Hast thou seent I stand alone?
And he was like; Yes'm.
And I'm all like; DID YOU LOVE IT LIKE YOU SHOULD?
And he says, he says, Yes'm, it's the best thing Noe has done.

So, then I ask about Irreversible.

"Rape and fire extinguishers," he says. "Pretty much all the film has going for it."

In a way, he was kind of right. Those were easily the most impressive scenes in the film. The violence is deliciously graphic, and the rape scene is realistic and impressive on a few levels. About ten minutes of continuous shot for this scene, which isn't necessarily an easy feat to accomplish. Oh, and what's this? THE CAMERA ISN'T CONSTANTLY MOVING DURING THIS SCENE?! YAY! FOR FUCKING FINALLY.

About the first half of the film is shot unconventionally, which on some levels I feel like I should give him credit for, but on others it's like, come on, goddamnit, stop moving the fucking camera. I'm getting nauseous. Luckily I don't drink anymore, or this might make me throw up.

The movie is in reverse chronological order. There are about twelve scenes, and it starts with the ending and works its way back. The problem with this is that once you get past the major plot points in the film that happen towards the middle and end, the rest is just buildup. It's not bad, but it's kinda strange to sit through. The camerawork calms down, but there's less and less happening that's anywhere close to interesting as the film progresses.

One of the most impressive things about this film is that there was no script involved. It was a three page outline of basic events that have to happen, and the rest was improvised and slapped together on the fly. For the method of construction of this movie, it came together really well, and didn't really seem to suffer all that much from its lack of preparation.

I have mixed feelings about this movie. Really good at points, tries too hard to be stylistic in others. For one of my least favorite Noe films, it has two of his most impressive scenes. It's definitely worth the watch, if you have the stomach for this kind of material.

I really like Noe's brain. I wouldn't mind walking around inside of his head for an hour or two.

Oldboy

Can fifteen years of pretend training actually be put to use?


Fuck yes

120 minutes of stupid.

"Eat da poo poo."

"I don't wanna."

"I said eat da poo poo. Eat da poo poo like ice cream."

"I don't wanna eat da poo poo."

"I SAID EAT DA POO POO!"

Den she eats da poo poo. I wonder if Marquis wrote this before or after raping that prostitute with a crucifix.

Oh, by the way, the movie is shit. Pun intended. lololololololol

I stand alone

Quite possibly the most disturbingly beautiful thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Ju-On (2000)

-Do you have a boyfriend?
-No.
-Oh! How boring!

That's prime fucking character development right there.

Okay, it's almost like I can't rip on it too much. Ju-on is like the autistic kid on the playground who plays with spiders and shits in his pants, and you can't help but feel sorry for him. So you try to be nice and all, but he'd rather just keep on playing with spiders and shitting in his pants, so you just let him be.

The original two movies were made for television, so they're obviously low budget. Both Ju-On and Ju-On: The Grudge turned out to hit lower than my already low expectations. In Ju-On, characters are given very little exposition before they get killed. And that makes it pretty difficult to care about what happens to them.

If you've seen the American remake, you pretty much get the idea of the plot. There's a cursed house. Ghosts come out of the attic or down the stairs and make super scary croaking noises. Everybody who enters the house gets killed. No exceptions.

The remake, however, was based on the sequel to the J-horror film. I was told that the original was much better. Well, uh. J-horror's pretty cool and all, but like all horror film industries, not all ideas are good. Or worth watching. And I guess that's really all I can say about it.

My favorite part of the whole movie was close to the end, when a male character was being attacked by a moving trash bag with a corpse in it, and a resident of the neighborhood it was being filmed in began walking his dog. And although he could probably see the event occurring in front of him, he chose not to react or get out of the shot or do anything. Like trash bags attack people in Japan daily. But when a hungry trash bag starts coming after strangers on the street, the Japanese government seem to advise their citizens to do nothing about it and let nature take its course. It's obviously a problem that Takashi Shimizu smartly includes in his movie to provoke us. We should start helping one another, and maybe we can prevent unfortunate trash bag attacks.

No glot, c'lom Fliday!

I was originally going to try writing this like William S. Burroughs. However, I think after the third or fourth scene where me and some broad rape an Arab kid and then break his neck, you'd probably stop taking me seriously.

Removing all the strange snuff-pornography ripped from Marquis de Sade and all the explanations of how homosexuality is somehow the best disguise for a secret agent may have actually made one of the best Cronenberg films ever made.

I always had a soft spot for Cronenberg, to be honest. He somehow makes movies that always entertain me, even though I can tell that they are usually of no better quality than any other run of the mill horror film. But he has such a nice way of portraying crazy people, like in Spider, or stuff that makes us squirm, like in The Fly. In this moviefilm he uses both of them, and it's a pretty fuck yes combination.

See, uh, Naked Lunch is an adaptation from a novel that doesn't make any sense at all, although what you can glean from it can either be disgusting in an awesome way, or disgusting in a disgusting way. The film, however, uses both Naked Lunch and real events from Burroughs' life in order to make something vaguely coherent. It's tough, because it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense and rarely tries to explain itself. So I'm going to try to explain it as best as I can.

RoboCop plays an exterminator who also has the distinction of being William Burroughs in a self-insert role. Basically, when he's at work one day, he realizes that he's out of bug-killing powder even though he's not supposed to run out. Turns out that when he comes home, his wife who also has the distinction of being William Burroughs' wife Joan, likes to inject bug-powder into her breasts. It makes her "feel like Kafka", which is one of many lines that don't make any sense at all.

Anyway, RoboCop hangs out with some beat poet jerkoffs who have the distinction of being Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg because RoboCop is also a beat poet jerkoff, although for the sake of the movie he claims that he's been "over" writing since he was ten. Regardless, these two characters pretty much do nothing of note in the movie, except fuck his wife in front of him while Ginsberg reads poetry and hits on poor Billy Burroughs.

Meanwhile, RoboCop's been shooting the powder up too. One day he gets caught by two typical noir-film flatfeet, who proceed to question him like they're going to kill him, although suddenly they whip out a box with a giant bug inside, and leave RoboCop with it. The bug then starts bathing in powder and talking to him, telling him that he must kill his wife, and that he must "do it real tasty".

The movie begins to make even less sense after this, but in a way that is worth all 120 orgasmic minutes. There are giant bugs that transform into typewriters, typewriters that transform into abortions, typewriters that transform into giant bugs and abortions that eat each other, giant aliens with dripping penises on their foreheads, and a man struggling with his homosexuality while the world around him is filled with nightmarish homoeroticism typically witnessed in Aphotica K. Lector's subconscious. And a classic story about a talking anus. And Ian Holm as a tiny dapper fag.

Go in with the expectation that you will likely feel a little nauseous and very confused, and you won't be disappointed.

Cube

This film is hard to review. I can't really tell if I love it, or hate it.
Let's start with how awesome the concept is. The concept is awesome. Fuck yes, I'd rate the concept. You take a handful of people, and you lock them in a giant puzzle. And none of them has any idea why they're there, or how they got there. I don't know why, but I'm a sucker for shit like this. Particularly when you're just as clueless as the characters in the film.
On each side of the rooms, there's a door. Through each door is a room of a different color. The camera never leaves the puzzle. This type of movie tends to make me wet, and I don't know why.
Okay, so there are problems with this movie. A lot of problems with this movie. Problems with this movie that shouldn't be problems with this movie. It's kind of like Dark City, in that, the concept and what they're going for is awesome, but the delivery fails to amaze me. Of course, the difference between this and Dark City, is that I saw this when I was nine, and Dark City ten years later, when I was much harsher a critic.
The mathematics of the film. They make no sense. Which is bullshit, because it's a driving force in solving the puzzle. The numbers by the doors are supposed to create a map of sorts of the puzzle, telling them which rooms are trapped and which rooms are safe. And where the exit might be. And, again, it makes no sense.
They were going the right direction with the characters. They fight and try to fuck each other over. I'm not sure if it's the acting, the dialogue, or a lack of specific characterization that bothers me about them. Maybe a mixture of all of it. But even though they're headed in the right direction, it still manages to fail.

I want to like this movie, just like I want to like Dark City. Though, this one's by far easier to accept, and it might be because I first saw it ten years ago, and liked it a lot.

But, shit. I dunno. It could be a piece of shit. It could be a great film. I feel like they should have tried harder.

Silent Hill (06)

Roger Avary has worked on a few movies that I've enjoyed. Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs. Wait, those were Tarantino movies for the most part. Oh hey Mikey, he also did The Rules of Attraction. Wait, that was a pretty damn plain adaptation of the Ellis novel. So I guess he's the kind of scriptwriter who needs help when it comes to writing his scripts.

Silent Hill, no exception. The characters run around acting like little kids playing imagination games. "Bar the door!" "I'll bar the door!" "Get the bar!" "I'm getting it I'm getting it!" "Here use this rope to get around these things! That was really dangerous!" In fact, it's pretty hard not to imagine them all as little kids playing some kind of game in a park. "You have to go do these tests or else I'll burn you at the stake! They're the witches!" "Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"

If you're familiar with the games, you'll recognize the story. This time the part of Harry Mason is played by a woman. So anyway Harrietta Mason has this adopted daughter and drives her in a car near the abandoned town of Silent Hill for whatever reason and there's a girl in the middle of the road and they attempt to not hit her and they turn the car off the road and crash and Harrietta wakes up all alone in an abandoned town. Furthermore, suddenly and for no reason these air raid sirens start blaring, the world turns grey and shit, and all these monsters appear from nowhere. And they even give Radha Mitchell a flashlight, just for shits and giggles.

There's lots of things I like about this movie which should make it great. The fact that he has it set in a town ravaged by a coal fire. That is sexy. Not enough people know about coal fires. I like coal fires. I like abandoned towns. I like air raid sirens. I like Silent Hill, too. It's just that even though these ideas are great, they're not enough for me. No part of the whole movie was I actually scared. Not one part. This is in high contrast to the games where I'd pussy out like crazy. But this was just exactly the opposite. There was not one part where I was remotely scared. I have never felt this way about a horror movie before, but I think it could've benefited from a few cheap fucking scares. Even with the long drawn out scenes where monsters would drag themselves across the floor spewing pus and acid, I was too busy wincing at Pyramid Head to notice.

Again. Pyramid Head. Pyramid Head for no reason. No reason at all.

Avary planned to make a sequel, but then he got drunk and killed someone in a car accident. So now he's in jail. I'm not sure where I was going with this. I'm drunk too. Moral is, kids: don't get drunk and kill people, or else you won't ever be able to make shitty movies like Mr. Avary.

Inception

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Man, I really am sorry about Batman Begins.

CAMERON SHEA
Fuck you, du. That movie sucked so much ass. What the fuck happened to you?

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
I did make The Prestige since then. And The Dark Knight.

CAMERON SHEA
I'm sorry, Nolan. You'll have to do better than that.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Okay, okay. Check this movie out. It stars Leonardo DiCaprio.

CAMERON SHEA
Are you fucking kidding me? That guy couldn't act his way out of a nutsack. What the fuck are you trying to pull?

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN
Just shut the fuck up and watch it, you pessimist.

CAMERON SHEA
Okay, okay. Lessee, here.

*148 minutes later*

CAMERON SHEA
*cums* Fuck, man. I love blowjobs. This is the best you've done since Memento.

CHRISTOPHER NOALAN
I know you do, Cameron. I do, too.

CAMERON SHEA
Shit, du. I forgive you.




148 minutes of fuck yes.
FUCK YES.

ASS TO MOUTH. ASS TO MOUTH. ASS TO MOUTH.

"You thought it would be sexy, but you just can't seem to get that taste of shit out of your mouth."

Pretty much.

I'm a sucker for awful things. They make me laugh to no end. I know this. You know this.
I heard about this movie from Mikey Porter. He told me he wanted to review it, but never ended up getting around to it. Regardless, he figured it would be GodBox material.

So, I bite.

"What the fuck's a The Human Centipede?" I says, I says.

And he says, he says, "it's a movie about some guy who gets off to the idea of making a giant centipede out of people by sewing them ass to mouth. Ass to mouth. Ass to mouth." Or something like that.

I wuz wall like.

"Wut."

And he wuz all like.

"Jah."

So, I immediately downloaded it. I don't know what I was expecting, but I guess it was something along the lines of retarded violence, and something to laugh at while I intoxicate myself. And I, uh, guess I was kind of right? Kind of?

I'm not sure what you can expect from a movie like this. The movie first gives you a glimpse of the crazy doctor with the fetish. He captures a truck driver while he's taking a shit after touching himself to his picture of The Dog Centipede, which will probably end up being a prequel.

The film then cuts to these annoying girls. And I'm not generally annoyed by people in movies. The people who would annoy me the most in real life are generally my favorite characters. The bad acting, shrill voices and retarded nature of these girls will have you saying "I can't wait until your mouth is sewn to somebody's anus," before you make it ten minutes in. I assure you.

The thing about this film, is it doesn't really have anywhere to go. Once they're captured, it's decided that the trucker isn't a match. So, he is killed. He goes out and finds an azn, who doesn't speak his language. He just screams constantly in Japanese. Which is funny to me.

The procedure is explained. While the doctor puts the first two to sleep, the dumb bitch at the end attempts to escape for the first time in the two days she's been there. And guess what. It works. She runs away, then decides she needs to go back. Okay, smart. Instead of getting the cops over there as quickly as possible, she plans to go back in wearing nothing but a night gown, injured, to save her friend. Fuck the azn, by the way, he's on his own.

It isn't going to take a rocket scientist to tell you that this fails. Hard. And for insubordination, the bitch who tried to escape gets the middle, which, apparently is the worst position.

The humans are grafted together, and the doctor couldn't get any hornier when the frontman azn has to shit. Basically, he spends the rest of the film training the centipede like a dog, and trying to keep the cops away.

Does it work? Do you want to know? Do you even give a shit?

The ass end gets sick. Cops start hounding the doctor. The centipede is trying to escape. Confrontation. The azn frontman kills himself. The ass end dies of infection. The doctor and the cops kill each other.

And the dumb slut who could have escaped and saved everyone a lot of time and effort is left to silently consider this, sewn ass to mouth with two corpses.

I can't really imagine this piece of shit working out any other way.

Why did I watch this? Why did I write this? Because I'm a sick fuck? No. Blame Mikey Porter. Blame Mikey Porter and boo him.

Boooo, Mikey Porter. Boo.

Evelyn, Evelyn.

Back when I was thirteen, someone I was once friends with recommended I read a book series. This is back when AR was a factor in my life, and well, I figured why the fuck not. The book series was called A Series of Unfortunate Events, which would later spawn a godawful film that we won't discuss, and I'll pretend never existed.
Anyway, I never finished the book series. I got maybe ten books in and went to high school and forgot all about it.
Why is this relevant?
Simple, Watson. This series had a unique feel to it. The most horrible things would happen in such silly ways that it brought me a very unique kind of joy. One that I haven't experienced since then. Until now.

That isn't to say that I feel as though this was ripped off, or even inspired. However, they both have a really unique quality that greatly appeals to me. And makes me cum in my pants.

Amanda Palmer is a g. I'm just going to say it.

I would rate this album a Fuck Yes.

Smile for the camera, Evelyn.