"Why do you do it, Cameron?"
Wut.
"Why do you go see shitty fanfiction movies that you know are going to suck so hard that you'll feel the need to bitch about them on the internet?"
Well, the answer to that is simple, my imaginary friend. Fuck you, it's Dallas. Moving on.
So, Wes Craven is a hack to begin with, right? And out of all of his shitty films, the first Elm Street film was the most amusing thing with his name tacked on it. Is it a good movie? No. It's retarded. And it makes me laugh when I'm high.
So, why see the remake in theaters?
Shit, man. You stumped me. Why the fuck did I do that?
Yeah, okay. Maybe I'll have some laughs, or something. It'll be so bad, I can laugh at it, and come up with ideas for Balls off, or something. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay.
So, I watch bad horror movies because they make me laugh. This is obvious. I learn what not to do when writing horror, which is an important thing to know. So, is this movie worth a few yucks? No. No, it isn't. It's so bad, it's not even funny.
So, shit starts going down whenever some kid falls asleep at a diner at the beginning. He's having Freddy Kruger nightmares and he can't explain it. And everyone thinks he's crazy. Even moreso when the dream causes him to knife himself in the throat in front of everyone, at this very diner. So, Nancy and some kid who's name I didn't bother to mention start investigating things while more kids start to die. They find out that they were in preschool together. But, oh wait, none of them remember that. Apparently some people can't remember that age, like at all.
More kids die uninteresting and nonviolent deaths. Before too long they start questioning what the fact that all the victims having gone to the same preschool has to do with anything. So, eventually they learned about one of the workers, Fred. Who was murdered. Hard. For molesting them. They come to the conclusion that they snitched on an innocent man for molesting them, because they don't remember being molested. They would remember that, right? It's not like they remember ANYTHING ELSE FROM THAT PERIOD.
By the way, the guy is addicted to adderall and Nancy is a distant brooding artist. This is as deep as the characters get. That aside, let's continue.
(Did I seriously just roll over and sleep for twelve hours in the middle of writing this review? Yes. Yes I did. This is not for the sake of laffs. This film is so bad, I couldn't even finish writing the review in one sitting.)
So, they get mad at their parents because they killed an innocent man. An innocent man that is now trying to murder them. Because he was innocent. And he was mad about being wrongfully accused and murdered. So, he's come back to haunt your dreams. Hard. All over your face. IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE, RIGHT?
The kids finally decide that they need to find the old preschool to dig up some information, because apparently, the preschool went under immediately after Freddy died, and nobody ever bothered to search his boiler room chambers. Ever. And they think this holds the key. And Freddy will leave them alone if they can uncover the truth, so his spirit can rest, right? IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE. The only problem is, it doesn't. No. Not one bit. Not at all.
Plus they've already been up for like five days or something, and they're starting to experience "micronaps," or hallucinations. And of course, Rorschach can stick his clawed pinky through these cornholes without so much bumping the taint.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I say Rorschach? Drop the fucking Batman voice, you're not ruining Rorschach anymore, your just making an ass out of yourself. ARE YOU REALLY THIS INCAPABLE OF ACTING YOU FUCK? WHY DO PEOPLE THINK YOU ARE GOOD?!
Calm down, Cameron. Here, have a cigarette.
Ahhhhh. Better.
Freddy is trying to hurt them through their hallucinations. He really wants these kids dead. It's not like he exists for anything else at this point.
After Freddy makes them crash their car, they make a break for the preschool, eager to prove the innocence of the man WHO IS TRYING TO MURDER THEM. YAY. IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
So, they get to his chambers and they find nude pictures of Nancy. So, yeah. He did it. And they went through all that shit for nothing. He molested them, and they defended him.
Now, they decide it's time to kick Freddy's ass. Because they're angry.
And Nancy goes to sleep and confronts Freddy, only to find out that he was counting on them to remember getting diddled, because he feeds on their memories like delicious cake. Some shitty attempts at suspense take place before Nancy is ripped back into the real world with an adrenaline shot that the kid stole from the hospital because his pharmacist wouldn't hook him up with his feel good juice.
She pulls Freddy back into the real world, and after some struggle, they kick his ass. But, of course, he isn't dead for reals. He comes back at the very end with promises of MORE CRAP. YAAAAYYYYY! MORE SEQUELS TO BAD REMAKES OF BAD MOVIES TO WHINE ABOUT.
This is honestly the worst thing I've seen in quite some time. I derived more amusement from the shitty Friday the 13th remake, sadly enough. And that really, really says something, because that movie was fucking godawful. I went into this film with very, very, very, very low expectations, and it still didn't meet them. It's that bad. A nonviolent, unfunny waste of time.
Now, the question is; will I be back with a similarly bitter rant about the sequel? And the answer is probably yes.
Why?
Shit, man. I dunno.
Blame Satan.
